Irish Jokes

A light heart lives longest.
Maireann croí éadrom i bhfad.

Don’t wait for St. Patrick’s Day – these jokes are ready to be shared!

*While in other countries everything may be serious but not hopeless,
In Ireland everything is hopeless but not serious.

* Mrs. Donovan went into the confessional and was about to start
when she noticed an unfamiliar face behind the shutter.
“You’re not Father Geary. What are you doing here?”
“I’m the furniture polisher, Ma’am.”
“Well, where is Father Geary?”
“I couldn’t tell you, but if he’s heard anything like the stories I’ve been
listening to, he’s gone for the police!”

* What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A Bachelor.

* “Mr. Corrigan, I’d like to have a day off to attend my mother-in-law’s funeral.”
“So would I, Flynn, but she’s an absolute picture of health.”

Definition of an Irish husband:
* He hasn’t kissed his wife for twenty years but he will kill any man who does.

* A prisoner escaped from jail by digging a tunnel that came out in a school playground.
As he crawled out of the hole he couldn’t help but shout at a small girl,
“I’m Free! I’m Free!”
“That’s nothing,” she said scornfully, “I’m four.”

* Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

* During the performance of a school nativity play at a local Dublin theatre, a large crack suddenly appeared in the stage. As the performance progressed the gap became bigger and bigger, until it finally developed into a hole. Everyone else managed to avoid it, but when young Jimmy stepped forward as one of the wise men he plunged straight through the hole.

The audience gasped. Jimmy's fathered whispered to his mother: "Don't worry, it's just a stage he's going through."

* Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription
"Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

* Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

* His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning  Finnegan. 
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. 
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. 

* What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O’Furniture

* Walking into the pub, Patrick said to the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patrick replied, "herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!

* Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
To a different pub

* Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

* "So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

* How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter!!

* Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short

*The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

*McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

* Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare.

* How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

*Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."